It started 19 years ago in York general hospital. Most probably an overweight baby was born on the 21st of September, start as you mean to go on I say. A pretty uneventful childhood with an above average will to lie so often, nobody knows where that came from but this will probably be the only truthful thing I ever write, I fear!
I have a loving family, two older brothers and one older sister, nothing quite special there I suppose. I guess I have had a pretty average life up until the age of 7. Diagnosed with diabetes was never going to be an easy thing to handle but I don't think it could make me so strong and yet so much weaker all at the same time.
I can't say I remember it like it was yesterday when it happened because that would again be a lie, or I can't say I felt overwhelmed when I was told I would have to inject myself at least once a day for the rest of my life but that's to be expected when you're not far from a coma. In hindsight I suppose it must have been terrifying for my mother, especially having to leave me for the first time since being diagnosed.
I've never really thought much about the impact it would have on my life, I take it one dose at a time, I rarely look at the big picture and if I do, the first thing I do is look to the past for advice. 12 years down the line and I've not exactly had a huge problem with it.... physiologically.
Now I know no-one is really bothered about my personal affairs with diabetes, so if you've made it this far congratulations! But I need to devote a larger portion of this to it as it is such a big part of my life and me I cannot simply ignore it ever happens.
More recently when my mum told me that my granddad (who has sadly passed on) blamed himself for my diagnosis or at least took it very hard indeed, as he was diabetic himself. That was hard to take, I could barely remember him being diabetic and I certainly don't blame him or anyone else for my misfortune! If he was here now I would certainly tell him not to be so bothered about that, that I can handle it if he can! He apparently never got to grips with his diabetes properly or controlled it very well so I guess it's for him that I do it so well and attempt to look after myself so well.
I suppose that makes up my childhood and adolescence so far in my life. I had a tight social group that chopped and changed as I went through school but a few always remained close and I hope always will! I had a few girlfriends although not many quite so successful as others, I had weight issues and still do, I played sport, the general average guy again.
Now I'm at university and things are starting to fall apart instead of come together like they were 'meant to'. Firstly, my last and most intimate relationship ended as I came to university as we (mainly me I fear) decided it would be too hard to continue over such a distance. Not only was that a mistake, it was horrifying, two days before university and it happened. I wasn't in any sort of shape to make friends or mix too well socially, I had no support mechanism, nobody to turn to. It was a pretty bad time for me personally and many times diabetes entered my mind for reasons I fear I cannot say.
Things started to look up, I found someone I could get along with, but soon other, more complicated feelings started to arise. The innocence in the relationship blossomed and collapsed in on itself whilst my confidence was shattered and I was pretty broken.
Rewind around 3 years and I started talking to a girl around my age that I met through a friend, we were soon attracted to each other and developed an 'understanding' that it would be stupid to decide to try anything but we still kept in contact. Now back again in the present day, the shackles are off, I have nothing at all to lose and I decided I had to try. It worked in a way but not in others, different ideologies don't mix well.
So now, right at this present time. There is a hole in my wall in my flat, I'm as fat as ever, I have nobody to turn to, I have zero money, I have "100 things to do when you're upset" open (this is 99) and I really need a hug and someone to tell me that this is alright.
Thanks for reading, I know it's a bit of a chore
Much love!
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